"Today's effort was truly superhuman. Even when executed to perfection, the idea only had a 50% chance of success. The rest 50% I am sure came from skills beyond the tangible world, may be perseverance or just a belief that it could be done!" I said to Mon.
"Super! So, are you home or still in lab?", she asked in a matter-of-fact, totally unmoved way like I was telling her about what I had for dinner that night.
"Naah. Of course, I am still in lab. Even if I go home, I am too excited to sleep. I hope every second of every day could be like this."
"And I wish you get a life", she replied.
"What are you talking about? I haven't felt this alive in months. It was like I could literally see those crystals growing one layer at a time and assembling in the precise place and direction with absolute zero margin for error, as if I could control them with my mind. Like one of those scenes from the superhero movies where the the train stops an inch short of running over the heroine or the bomb is defused a fraction of a second before it goes off."
"Honestly Mon! Its befuddling. I cannot put a finger on what exactly made it work. I mean I have tried these methods before and have been working on this for over a month but the best I got was a small part of the perfect crystal and everything falling apart around it. To give you the closest analogy I can think of, it is how a flock of birds in the sky align in a particular shape day after day returning home at sunset and nobody understands how they do it. Certainly, using a special type of sixth sense which is more accurate at measuring angles than any of the man-made geometric tools."
"Woah! You are high", she replied after a brief silence as if searching for the right words. She continued, "On a serious note, if you are happy, I am happy. I am just worried you are losing touch with reality or the real world, humans I mean or I will go so far as to say probably your own emotions as well."
I like Mon, she challenges me and she is brutally honest, that commands my respect. But its exactly at times when I am flying high in some seventh dimension and her sudden opposition brings me back to ground, that I feel like never talking to her again. In the seven years that we have been best friends, we have had more differences of opinions, arguments, ups and downs of all sorts than an old married couple. Perhaps, that is why her words always get me thinking. I know there is some truth in what she is saying because she knows me so well.
It had been quite a semester so far. I had just returned from my internship, broken up with someone I cared about and was still adjusting to an altered lifestyle with the healing multiple rib fracture. The reasons for the breakup I had never been able to clearly explain to Mon. She of course, seemed to think I was giving importance to my studies and did not want to be distracted by a long distance relationship. Another decision she would refer to as selfish and I would render practical. "He is an MBA, he is too manipulative for my taste. He does not have similar interests. He is born and brought up in US, we have completely different cultural backgrounds and rarely gets where I am coming from." With the increasing logic in my arguments, the measure of Mon's disapproval just multiplied and I had to give up on trying to convince her that it was the right thing to do. Though I could not present a wholesome, compelling case in front of her, I was thoroughly sure of my choice. And again it was difficult to zero in on the reason but I felt strong whenever I thought about it.
Not saying I was happy to do it. I felt strong and sad at the same time. It made my heart lighter and brought tears to my eyes at the same moment. It had been tough to say the least and sometimes it was difficult to distinguish the pain in my ribs and heartache. Whenever Mon asked me to talk about it, all I ever said was, "Its over. Its in the past. No point giving it so much importance. That won't help." She had been very persistent as if verbalizing everything I felt would make it all go away. And now, as I was getting busier with work, I could see how my work stories were testing her patience when she was still waiting for me to vent about the breakup. Ruthless pragmatism at work again as one would think. Why waste time thinking about something thats over when I can use the same time getting some good work done!
This is where I think Mon is right. I did lose touch with my emotions that semester. It made sense to me. When everything in my personal life was falling apart, I was hanging on to my professional aspirations. I had to stay away from those feelings or else I would have lost my sense of purpose. I had not given myself time to grieve because I was scared that if I did, I would not be able to make it. As I see it now, it is not pragmatic to distance yourself from a situation which has the potential of destroying you, it is necessary. And if I am guilty of being too practical in this case, then there is not enough pragmatism in the world. Same goes for the relationship that did not feel right. It was essential I think, for both us to get on with our lives without each other, in order to have an honest chance of finding the one, rather than continuing the relationship with the hope that some day we will transform into creatures we had been waiting for all our life.
"There is such a negative connotation attached to the word ruthless Mon. Everything that really needs to be done, the most difficult decisions of our life that have to be taken, the metaphorical lines in the sand that need to be drawn are referred to as ruthless. And that is perfectly alright. They are the harsh decisions, they make us hurt and require all our strength. I can see why people hate making such choices and why ruthless is appended to every decision I have made in my personal life lately. But I know one thing for sure, if I had not ended things, it would have happened anyway. And probably, it would have taken me down with it. You do not know a lot of things because you were not there, but just know this, it had to be done."
She sighs and we stay on the phone without saying anything for a few minutes. I know for once in an entire year, she agrees.
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