Where do all the bad pennies come from? Is there a fixed number of them being passed around? Or is there a counterfeit factory that maintains a constant supply? What were to happen if all the bad pennies were collected in one place? Can they actually be contained or they will still find a way to sneak out and turn up unexpectedly?
Marina always heard her mother say, "Like a bad penny!" A ten year old, she barely understood what it meant and for that believing, innocent soul it was an expression of love, a signal to go running towards mother and wrap herself around mother's legs, while waiting to be picked up and embraced. And she always got a peck on the forehead but never so much as a hug or a cuddle; those slender arms flailing in the air wanting to cling to her mother's body, to feel close enough and connect. On a tumultuous, intense May afternoon, despite her tears and screams, mother had driven Marina to the boarding school. She had not eaten anything all day or the day before and how could she? The suddenness and inexplicability of these developments along with the pain of being sequestered from mother and home was more than she could bear. The poor inconsolable child had lost her entire world in one night and was too exhausted to utter a single word or even make the slightest movement after this ordeal as she sat still on the bed staring at the night sky from the window.
The star-studded shapes seemed familiar and she could make out a few, although it was all hazy with the clouds. Big bear's tail and frame were clearly visible but she could not find any sign of the hunter. She always had difficulty seeing it; also on the summer nights when she and mother would camp outside in the little forest clearing behind their house in the suburbs. She remembered how mother always used the candle flame to join the stars into Orion and how they waited until dawn to watch the reflections in the lake during sunrise. She did not want to sleep, she wanted to keep looking at the stars as if that way she could somehow touch mother, like the night when mother had held her hand tracing lines between stars to see all that is hidden in the sky. She was awfully tired though and in a few moments was dreaming of the glittering formations until awaken by the school bell in the morning.
It was almost impossible especially for the first couple of days to focus on the lessons. The girls in the dorm had been standoffish and suspicious, mostly out of fear; being away from home for the first time. Finding her way around the daily chores was proving tough, therefore, for Marina. She had not heard from mother since the day she was left here, which rendered most nights sleepless and filled with unsettling thoughts about the state of affairs at home. Stumbling through the first week at the boarding school, she found herself in the activity room along with the entire class on Friday afternoon. A senior student was standing in front of the clear carpeted area, her back to the girls sitting on chairs at the other end of the room. She was discussing something with the teacher, but it was incomprehensible from such a distance. Then, one by one, the girls were called out to the front and asked to follow the senior student's moves to the music; afterwards, the teacher would make some notes in their diaries. Trembling with anticipation and anxiety, Marina walked slowly and shyly to the front.
She could not feel her legs and seemed to have lost all control of her hands by the time she reached where the senior student was standing. They started the music and senior student's hands moved to the sides forming an arc, but it all happened so fast that Marina remained frozen, just trying to absorb what she had witnessed. The music ended as Marina stood unmoved and the teacher started towards her. The senior student was turning to see what had happened and it was exactly then, that Marina repeated the dance moves in the perfect order without any music, stopping the teacher mid-way and hushing the entire class who had been growing impatient sitting at the back. Signaling towards Marina, the teacher restarted the music and this time everyone got a better view of what Marina was doing. The senior student showed some more moves and Marina followed her; arm to arm and step after step incessantly for the next few minutes.
The teacher whispered something in the senior girl's ear, to which the girl nodded and then the teacher came up to Marina. Taking her diary, the teacher wrote, "Middle School Dance," and explained to Marina that she will have to show up for practice on Monday and Wednesday evenings. Marina was not exactly exhilarated, surprised was more like it. Still, something felt lighter in her little chest and the pain weighing on her heart seemed to ease up a bit. For once, in that whole week she had found something to hold on to. After she had been left floundering and wondering in the boarding school, another world beyond home and mother was opening up to her and fragments of it were walking in unannounced from all directions. In that moment, she felt some peace mostly a result of this form of acceptance and the assurance of being a part of a bigger whole. When she looked up at the sky that night, she saw two birds in a disconcerted flight, surely separated from the flock and unable to find the way home. And the next instant, they were "still" in the air facing each other, one joining the stars into Orion's belt and the other into its arrow.
It was raining on the morning mother came in to visit. Marina was in the study toiling on her maths assignment. The numbers were a relentless lot but Marina always got help from her partner and class mate Evangeline. Marina was taken by surprise when mother tapped on her shoulder. It took her a few seconds to process mother's presence, which was almost ghastly as Marina had already given up hope that mother would ever come again to the boarding school. In her imagination though, she had seen mother many times, fought with her, thrown tantrums and walked away. This to Marina, therefore, was similar to imagination, however, anger suddenly betrayed her and was swiftly replaced by an overwhelming feeling of happiness and relief. She was in tears before she knew it, trying with all her might to fight them. A young girl, she did not even realize the tears were a manifestation of her delight and not the anguish and grief she felt on being separated from mother.
They walked back to the dorm room, where Marina proudly showed mother the nice job she had done covering her textbooks with brown paper and plastic sheets. Mother sat on the bed, a blank look on her face, in a somewhat pre-occupied and distant stance. To get mother's attention, Marina cleared the space between the beds and sat on the floor, her hands on the waist as she had learnt in the practice for the school dance. Mother's gaze followed Marina's alacritous movements, the occasional jumps and befuddling control as Marina stood on her toes for seconds at length. Mother remained silent, however, when Marina finished. The indifference in mother's eyes and actions frustrated her and for once in the entire time at boarding school, Marina wished mother had not come to visit. It was confusing, the change in mother's behavior in the last few months. Earlier, even the remotely recognizable forms that Marina drew and painted were enough to earn mother's appreciation and affection. Now in addition to being sent away, all of Marina's efforts to get the slightest reaction from mother were in vain. She was more depressed when mother left that day than she had been on her first day in the dorm.
"Had she lost mother forever? Will things ever be the way they were before? And most importantly, will she ever have a home again?" But she was shaken out of her trance by Evangeline; who had come to finish the remaining math problems in the assignment. The classes at school were in full swing now and the increasing frequency of dance practice sessions in the week, left little or no time for Marina and her thoughts. A good number of weeks went by and mother's last visit became a distant memory along with Marina's longing for home. Two weeks before the school annual function, the teacher handed out invitation cards for the event. The students were all given instructions to fill out their parent's address carefully, so they would reach in time without any inconvenience. Marina held the invitation card over the waste can and closing her eyes, dropped it in!
Later that day, while reading her English textbook, Marina burst into tears. She could not understand how it happened, but she had been restless for a few hours now with her palms sweating and her toes numb. She ran towards the classroom, scavenging into the waste-basket and sat on the floor till she could finally breath again. She found the blank invitation card at the bottom of the can lurking behind a ball of scraped brown paper, perhaps, discarded by another student. The next day, she brought it to the class filled in neat handwriting with mother's name and address in black ink. She was excited to see mother again, this time, however, she knew what to expect. Whilst it was not mother's approval she sought, it was her presence during this event that mattered to her. Not knowing why, but in Marina's heart, the occasion would be incomplete without mother.
As Marina was dressing up for the dance in the rehearsal room behind the school auditorium, she kept looking over her shoulder, as if any minute now, mother would be beside her. Mother had not responded to the invitation and neither had she paid a visit in over a month's time. Marina was starting to wonder if she had even received the invitation. The anxiety of not seeing mother in the auditorium overpowered any stage fear or anticipation of freezing in front of the audience that is commonplace in young girls. With every tick of the clock, she was getting more impatient and the anchor had just started making the announcement for the beginning prayers. Marina kept peeking from behind the stage curtain to get a good view of the hall that was swarming with unknown faces of parents and family members, but no sign of mother. She looked from both sides so as to not miss out the corners; nonetheless her search ended in vain.
Disheartened she went backstage, sitting on an armchair on the side, waiting to be called out. Evangeline, suddenly came running through the door, and stood there throwing her arms up in the air, then bowing down as they do at the end of a successful play, a smug and proud look on her face. A few seconds later, two women dressed almost symmetrically entered the room. Marina was still trying to figure out the reason behind Evangeline's behavior when she looked up at the women and it dawned on her. It was mother, though looking incredibly different and pale, her clothes loosely hanging on her haggard frame. She had a box in one hand, which Marina recognized right away. It was mother's pearls, which Marina had worn many times during her role-playing games at home. Marina's train of thoughts was interrupted by Evangeline who was now telling her that she had found mother in the dorm standing near Marina's bed and had brought her to the auditorium.
Marina started towards mother, flushed with emotions. The ten year old had learnt to be satisfied with just mother's presence on all significant occasions in her life, the token of affection that mother brought was ample encouragement for years to come. Aunt Lin who had accompanied mother into the room, also came forward at the same instant, dragging the armchair to the center of the room where mother was standing. Mother sat down and Marina's stance shifted from that of delightful jubilance to that of concern. In all her excitement, she had ignored the ill state of health mother was in. However, her countenance and attire had the appearance of sophistication as always. Mother laced the pearl necklace around Marina who was being called to the stage now to get ready for the dance performance. Mother and Aunt Lin were escorted out of the rehearsal room and into the auditorium by Evangeline.
Amidst the reassurance of seeing mother, anticipation over the success of the performance and troublesome thoughts regarding mother's health, Marina stepped on the stage, her gaze swimming around to find mother and Aunt Lin in the seating area. She spotted them sitting in the third row from the stage, right next to the stairs. The music started playing in the background but Marina was already unaware of all that was going on in the auditorium, her eyes fixed on mother. She had practiced the dance so many times that she could be in perfect sync just counting on her heart beats rendering the sound track extraneous. They started with a slow tune, slowly gathering momentum in the second and the third act and the climax was an enormous display of skill, alacrity and grace. The applause in the hall was echoing louder with most of the attendees standing up, an unexpectedly generous appreciation for a middle school dance performance. Marina had not lost sight of mother and that is why she saw her and Aunt Lin sneak out of the auditorium while she was on stage.
In addition to not expecting mother's reaction on every tit-bit of her life, Marina had also learnt to not ask any questions about mother's actions in the last couple of months. So, instead of running after mother and Aunt Lin to stop them and inquire about mother's health, Marina stood there on the stage, a part of the glorious group, drowning her worries in the roaring cheers from the crowd. At night though, when she was lying in the bed looking at the stars again, it became impossible to not think about mother. The unsettling stealthiness of mother's visit during the annual function had at least confirmed that mother's recent indifference and distance stemmed from her degrading health. Perhaps this is why Marina was sent to boarding school, to keep her studies unharmed while mother focused on her recovery. But what was mother's ailment? Did she have cancer? Marina had watched many advertisements on T.V. about how cancer remains undetected for a long time and then, suddenly attacks leaving no time for treatment or recuperation. If mother had cancer, Marina prayed all night that it had been found early, her pillow wet with tears in the morning.
A couple of days later, Marina was called into the principal's office. Upon entering, she saw Aunt Lin and almost jumped with excitement at the thought of seeing mother again in such a short period of time. But then it hit her, mother was not there. Mother will never be there again. Aunt Lin walked up to Marina and started telling her what she already knew. Whilst Aunt Lin was still talking, Marina got up from her seat, heading towards the activity room. Turning up the music at full volume, she sat on the floor, hands on her waist like that day when mother was sitting on the bed in the dorm watching Marina's performance. She took out the pearl necklace from her skirt pocket, wore it around her neck and kept dancing for a few hours, mother's words constantly buzzing in her ears, " Like a bad penny!" And for the first time, she understood what it meant.
Mother's ailment had turned up unforeseen in their almost perfect and happy lives and destroyed Marina's home. Once mother was inflicted, there was no impeding the illness, no chance of recovery or reversion to normality. Fortunately, for Marina though, mother had sent her away to a safe and protected haven full of hope, where, she became a part of another world and did not feel like a bad penny for the rest of her life.
It was almost impossible especially for the first couple of days to focus on the lessons. The girls in the dorm had been standoffish and suspicious, mostly out of fear; being away from home for the first time. Finding her way around the daily chores was proving tough, therefore, for Marina. She had not heard from mother since the day she was left here, which rendered most nights sleepless and filled with unsettling thoughts about the state of affairs at home. Stumbling through the first week at the boarding school, she found herself in the activity room along with the entire class on Friday afternoon. A senior student was standing in front of the clear carpeted area, her back to the girls sitting on chairs at the other end of the room. She was discussing something with the teacher, but it was incomprehensible from such a distance. Then, one by one, the girls were called out to the front and asked to follow the senior student's moves to the music; afterwards, the teacher would make some notes in their diaries. Trembling with anticipation and anxiety, Marina walked slowly and shyly to the front.
She could not feel her legs and seemed to have lost all control of her hands by the time she reached where the senior student was standing. They started the music and senior student's hands moved to the sides forming an arc, but it all happened so fast that Marina remained frozen, just trying to absorb what she had witnessed. The music ended as Marina stood unmoved and the teacher started towards her. The senior student was turning to see what had happened and it was exactly then, that Marina repeated the dance moves in the perfect order without any music, stopping the teacher mid-way and hushing the entire class who had been growing impatient sitting at the back. Signaling towards Marina, the teacher restarted the music and this time everyone got a better view of what Marina was doing. The senior student showed some more moves and Marina followed her; arm to arm and step after step incessantly for the next few minutes.
The teacher whispered something in the senior girl's ear, to which the girl nodded and then the teacher came up to Marina. Taking her diary, the teacher wrote, "Middle School Dance," and explained to Marina that she will have to show up for practice on Monday and Wednesday evenings. Marina was not exactly exhilarated, surprised was more like it. Still, something felt lighter in her little chest and the pain weighing on her heart seemed to ease up a bit. For once, in that whole week she had found something to hold on to. After she had been left floundering and wondering in the boarding school, another world beyond home and mother was opening up to her and fragments of it were walking in unannounced from all directions. In that moment, she felt some peace mostly a result of this form of acceptance and the assurance of being a part of a bigger whole. When she looked up at the sky that night, she saw two birds in a disconcerted flight, surely separated from the flock and unable to find the way home. And the next instant, they were "still" in the air facing each other, one joining the stars into Orion's belt and the other into its arrow.
It was raining on the morning mother came in to visit. Marina was in the study toiling on her maths assignment. The numbers were a relentless lot but Marina always got help from her partner and class mate Evangeline. Marina was taken by surprise when mother tapped on her shoulder. It took her a few seconds to process mother's presence, which was almost ghastly as Marina had already given up hope that mother would ever come again to the boarding school. In her imagination though, she had seen mother many times, fought with her, thrown tantrums and walked away. This to Marina, therefore, was similar to imagination, however, anger suddenly betrayed her and was swiftly replaced by an overwhelming feeling of happiness and relief. She was in tears before she knew it, trying with all her might to fight them. A young girl, she did not even realize the tears were a manifestation of her delight and not the anguish and grief she felt on being separated from mother.
They walked back to the dorm room, where Marina proudly showed mother the nice job she had done covering her textbooks with brown paper and plastic sheets. Mother sat on the bed, a blank look on her face, in a somewhat pre-occupied and distant stance. To get mother's attention, Marina cleared the space between the beds and sat on the floor, her hands on the waist as she had learnt in the practice for the school dance. Mother's gaze followed Marina's alacritous movements, the occasional jumps and befuddling control as Marina stood on her toes for seconds at length. Mother remained silent, however, when Marina finished. The indifference in mother's eyes and actions frustrated her and for once in the entire time at boarding school, Marina wished mother had not come to visit. It was confusing, the change in mother's behavior in the last few months. Earlier, even the remotely recognizable forms that Marina drew and painted were enough to earn mother's appreciation and affection. Now in addition to being sent away, all of Marina's efforts to get the slightest reaction from mother were in vain. She was more depressed when mother left that day than she had been on her first day in the dorm.
"Had she lost mother forever? Will things ever be the way they were before? And most importantly, will she ever have a home again?" But she was shaken out of her trance by Evangeline; who had come to finish the remaining math problems in the assignment. The classes at school were in full swing now and the increasing frequency of dance practice sessions in the week, left little or no time for Marina and her thoughts. A good number of weeks went by and mother's last visit became a distant memory along with Marina's longing for home. Two weeks before the school annual function, the teacher handed out invitation cards for the event. The students were all given instructions to fill out their parent's address carefully, so they would reach in time without any inconvenience. Marina held the invitation card over the waste can and closing her eyes, dropped it in!
Later that day, while reading her English textbook, Marina burst into tears. She could not understand how it happened, but she had been restless for a few hours now with her palms sweating and her toes numb. She ran towards the classroom, scavenging into the waste-basket and sat on the floor till she could finally breath again. She found the blank invitation card at the bottom of the can lurking behind a ball of scraped brown paper, perhaps, discarded by another student. The next day, she brought it to the class filled in neat handwriting with mother's name and address in black ink. She was excited to see mother again, this time, however, she knew what to expect. Whilst it was not mother's approval she sought, it was her presence during this event that mattered to her. Not knowing why, but in Marina's heart, the occasion would be incomplete without mother.
As Marina was dressing up for the dance in the rehearsal room behind the school auditorium, she kept looking over her shoulder, as if any minute now, mother would be beside her. Mother had not responded to the invitation and neither had she paid a visit in over a month's time. Marina was starting to wonder if she had even received the invitation. The anxiety of not seeing mother in the auditorium overpowered any stage fear or anticipation of freezing in front of the audience that is commonplace in young girls. With every tick of the clock, she was getting more impatient and the anchor had just started making the announcement for the beginning prayers. Marina kept peeking from behind the stage curtain to get a good view of the hall that was swarming with unknown faces of parents and family members, but no sign of mother. She looked from both sides so as to not miss out the corners; nonetheless her search ended in vain.
Disheartened she went backstage, sitting on an armchair on the side, waiting to be called out. Evangeline, suddenly came running through the door, and stood there throwing her arms up in the air, then bowing down as they do at the end of a successful play, a smug and proud look on her face. A few seconds later, two women dressed almost symmetrically entered the room. Marina was still trying to figure out the reason behind Evangeline's behavior when she looked up at the women and it dawned on her. It was mother, though looking incredibly different and pale, her clothes loosely hanging on her haggard frame. She had a box in one hand, which Marina recognized right away. It was mother's pearls, which Marina had worn many times during her role-playing games at home. Marina's train of thoughts was interrupted by Evangeline who was now telling her that she had found mother in the dorm standing near Marina's bed and had brought her to the auditorium.
Marina started towards mother, flushed with emotions. The ten year old had learnt to be satisfied with just mother's presence on all significant occasions in her life, the token of affection that mother brought was ample encouragement for years to come. Aunt Lin who had accompanied mother into the room, also came forward at the same instant, dragging the armchair to the center of the room where mother was standing. Mother sat down and Marina's stance shifted from that of delightful jubilance to that of concern. In all her excitement, she had ignored the ill state of health mother was in. However, her countenance and attire had the appearance of sophistication as always. Mother laced the pearl necklace around Marina who was being called to the stage now to get ready for the dance performance. Mother and Aunt Lin were escorted out of the rehearsal room and into the auditorium by Evangeline.
Amidst the reassurance of seeing mother, anticipation over the success of the performance and troublesome thoughts regarding mother's health, Marina stepped on the stage, her gaze swimming around to find mother and Aunt Lin in the seating area. She spotted them sitting in the third row from the stage, right next to the stairs. The music started playing in the background but Marina was already unaware of all that was going on in the auditorium, her eyes fixed on mother. She had practiced the dance so many times that she could be in perfect sync just counting on her heart beats rendering the sound track extraneous. They started with a slow tune, slowly gathering momentum in the second and the third act and the climax was an enormous display of skill, alacrity and grace. The applause in the hall was echoing louder with most of the attendees standing up, an unexpectedly generous appreciation for a middle school dance performance. Marina had not lost sight of mother and that is why she saw her and Aunt Lin sneak out of the auditorium while she was on stage.
In addition to not expecting mother's reaction on every tit-bit of her life, Marina had also learnt to not ask any questions about mother's actions in the last couple of months. So, instead of running after mother and Aunt Lin to stop them and inquire about mother's health, Marina stood there on the stage, a part of the glorious group, drowning her worries in the roaring cheers from the crowd. At night though, when she was lying in the bed looking at the stars again, it became impossible to not think about mother. The unsettling stealthiness of mother's visit during the annual function had at least confirmed that mother's recent indifference and distance stemmed from her degrading health. Perhaps this is why Marina was sent to boarding school, to keep her studies unharmed while mother focused on her recovery. But what was mother's ailment? Did she have cancer? Marina had watched many advertisements on T.V. about how cancer remains undetected for a long time and then, suddenly attacks leaving no time for treatment or recuperation. If mother had cancer, Marina prayed all night that it had been found early, her pillow wet with tears in the morning.
A couple of days later, Marina was called into the principal's office. Upon entering, she saw Aunt Lin and almost jumped with excitement at the thought of seeing mother again in such a short period of time. But then it hit her, mother was not there. Mother will never be there again. Aunt Lin walked up to Marina and started telling her what she already knew. Whilst Aunt Lin was still talking, Marina got up from her seat, heading towards the activity room. Turning up the music at full volume, she sat on the floor, hands on her waist like that day when mother was sitting on the bed in the dorm watching Marina's performance. She took out the pearl necklace from her skirt pocket, wore it around her neck and kept dancing for a few hours, mother's words constantly buzzing in her ears, " Like a bad penny!" And for the first time, she understood what it meant.
Mother's ailment had turned up unforeseen in their almost perfect and happy lives and destroyed Marina's home. Once mother was inflicted, there was no impeding the illness, no chance of recovery or reversion to normality. Fortunately, for Marina though, mother had sent her away to a safe and protected haven full of hope, where, she became a part of another world and did not feel like a bad penny for the rest of her life.
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